Haven't posted for a few days. The diet has been an off and on thing. I just miss white bread sometimes and once I break the diet a bit, then Katy bar the door, I'm gonna get my fill before I go back on the diet.
I read something today by a gentleman who is apparently 100lbs overweight and his journey mirrored mine in so many ways. He lost the weight and then put it back on, same as I've done twice. His method was similar to mine as well, count calories and exercise religiously. He wrote is own program to track calories and exercise. I used an Excel spreadsheet, but the end result was the same. He also echoed the same sentiments I feel. It works for awhile, but after a period of time tracking everything gets old and falls by the wayside.
Each time I 'diet' my patience grows shorter for tracking things. I have fitness trackers and accounts on websites to track calorie/food intake, but after awhile it just feels repetitive. I've done this so many times I can pretty much tell you the calorie count of everything I eat without looking at the label, and if I don't know something websites like MyFitnessPal do.
My frustration level is very high. I really do enjoy eating healthy and not overdoing it. I sleep better and overall I feel better. When I'm skinnier I really enjoy bike riding, hiking, etc. But something holds me back. Something inside me causes me to sabotage me. Sometimes it's boredom/lonliness. Sometimes I'm just tired of eating my own cooking and I want to go out for a meal. Sometimes it's just the general frustration of being on a 'diet'. And when it's one of those 'sometimes' no pep talk is going to change my mind. I'm going to have the burger and fries and then follow it up with a stop at the grocery store for some snack I can munch while watching tv.
I used to say when I was younger 'just shoot me if I get fat'. It was the worst thing I could imagine. And I've become the worst thing I can imagine. I'd like to say 'funny how that happens', but it's not funny to me. It's frustrating and it's holding me back from so many things.
It's scary really. I'm 52 years of age, and I'm 288lbs. I need to work several more years, but I'm looking forward to retirement. I don't want to go into it unhealthily. I don't want to have a heart attack or become diabetic. Yet I sabotage myself. Why?
What is it in my nature keeping me from becoming the best possible version of myself? I love to go for a bike ride. I used to love playing volleyball. I love tinkering on my scooters. But bending over puts so much pressure on my lungs I can barely breathe.
Today is a day of frustration. I was hoping writing about it would help me feel a bit better or I'd let slip some snippet of truth that would help me better understand myself.
I've read and reread this post and all I get is the sense of frustration, but no answers come forth.
Actually I do see the snippets of truth in the 'sometimes' things I listed, but I don't see the answer as to how to banish those times.
It's time for lunch and then I think I'll tinker in the garage and lube up my bicycle. Maybe that'll motivate me to go for a ride.
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